A Legacy of Kindness, Love, and Gratitude

                                 

            Each year Russ and I travel to Illinois to visit my mother, Darlene, who has now reached the age of 87.  It’s an honor and a privilege that I don’t take lightly.   I am well aware of the passing of time and I don’t want to miss any of her remaining years.

            She is in relatively good health but is experiencing more and more dementia.  Her short term memory is gone and during my weekly phone calls I make sure that I announce who I am at the start of the conversation. “Hi Mom, this is Kathy.”  After all she has nine children to remember.

            My younger sister Carol visited two weeks before me.  Since she had changed the color and style of her hair, my mother couldn’t quite place her.  When they visited a local pizza parlor for a buffet lunch my mom thought Carol was a very nice and efficient waitress.  The fact that the waitress joined her for lunch didn’t strike her as odd.

            When we arrived I was a little apprehensive wondering if Mom would recognize me.  Amazingly, she did and greeted me with, “Of course, I know my Kathy.”

  We spent some time looking through family pictures on my computer.  Several times when we came across a picture of Russ she would say, “Now, why does he look so familiar?” I would gamely point to Russ seated across the room and say, “Because he’s right there, Mom.” She’d giggle and we would continue on.

            For five years she has been a widow, three years in assisted care, and just a year ago her twin brother died from the effects of Alzheimer’s.  His death is foremost in her mind and because of this she is re-experiencing her mother’s death.  It is like the childhood memories are clearer than todays, and the pain of her brother and mother being gone is acute.

            When she wonders anew if her mother has died, I simply remind her that her mother would be over 107 years old.  That’s makes sense to her and it helps her cope with the fact that she has now lived longer than her mother.

My mother is well loved at the care center.  As she makes her way to the dining hall she waves and smiles at whomever she meets not unlike a reigning queen.

“It’s always good to be friendly; everyone can use a smile.”

When she comes upon a resident that she has some shared memories with, she stops, sets aside her walker, to embrace them and gently kiss their cheek.

When anyone visits she struggles to her feet to extend a welcoming hug and kiss.  My brother Dan’s wife received one and then Mom reached out to Dan exclaiming, “Your wife didn’t come?”

“She’s right behind you Mom, you just hugged her.”

“Oh, my,” she says and smiling, she bestows another hug and kiss on Carolyn. 

When Mom asks about our lives, our children, our trip she really wants to know.  But she doesn’t remember asking the questions or receiving any answers so our conversation is repetitive.  But her great joy is being in the room as we converse.  Her joy is in our presence, as is our joy in hers.

It takes so little to bring her happiness. She is grateful for our visit, her children and grandchildren, her home, and the feeling of being cared for and safe.    Her only complaint is that she believes that someone keeps eating her chocolate.  But at 87, it’s easy to forget having just one more piece when chocolate goes down so smoothly.

The last thing I did before we left was polish her nails with a glittering mauve nail polish.  She loved it and kept exclaiming it was the nicest that she could remember.

 “I did a good job picking out that color, didn’t I?” she asked.

“Yes, Mom, you did.”

 I am blessed to be able to visit and talk to my mother.  I am doubly blessed by her example into old age of kindness, love and gratitude.  I hope that will be part of my legacy, that and an ability to forget eating chocolate. 

Flower Show Meditation: This Season Will Pass

          I love flowers and plants. To date, I have 40 houseplants that are lifting my spirits through the winter, and I am already planning the flowerbeds that will need tending throughout the spring, summer, and fall. 

          This past Saturday Russ and I ventured up to the Vermont Flower Show in Essex Junction to jumpstart our need for floral beauty. Daffodils, tulips, primrose, rhododendrons, Irish moss, hyacinths, English daisies, lilies, miniature iris, and candytufts were some of the varieties displayed.  Ten thousand square feet showcased them in various colors and hues; they numbered in the thousands.  It was a feast for the eyes, the nose, and the soul.

          As I gazed on all that beauty I reflected on the short duration of blooming time that each flower possesses.  I have managed to plant my yard so that from the time the first crocus appears, I have a variety of perennials flowering in my yard until frost.  

Some blooms endure for a day, others for possibly one or two weeks, and a few for a month.  But they have their seasons, appear for a time, and slowly fade away.  Though the blooming time is brief, I anticipate and cherish those moments.

Life is filled with seasons that are not exclusively spring, summer, fall, and winter.  In my own life I feel as if I have experienced very different periods of time.  From childhood to teen, from single to married with children, and now with all of them grown my life has known many phases. 

 I have been a child, a sister, a teenager, an aunt, a student, an employee, a friend, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a counselor, a grandparent.  And I have been formed and shaped by living in these callings. I wish that I could state that I have lived without any mistakes or errors.  I have had plenty and I have tried my best to restore those things that have been damaged, to let go of those things beyond my control, and to live in the present day.  This day won’t return again.

The book of Ecclesiastes has a list of seasons and times and I’ll name a few: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to lose and a time to keep, a time to keep silence and a time to speak. (The complete list is in chapter 3 of Ecclesiastes.)

Perhaps someone you know has just given birth.  What a joyous time this is filled with laughter and hope.  Embrace these wondrous years of baby and toddlerhood when every day is one of discovery, new expressions, and the words ‘no’ and ‘why’.  This time passes so quickly.

You may be in a time of loss - the loss of a friendship, a career, a spouse, your health.  So many emotions occur.  You may feel disoriented, alone, mournful, or unable to express what is happening to you.

 My friend, Mel, lost her husband to a massive heart attack when he was just 34 after only 4 months of marriage.  In her profound grief she was counseled to do something for someone else every day.  At first it was just a kind word spoken in a check-out line, later she sent cards to shut-ins, as time passed dinner invitations followed to neighbors, and bit by bit she came through more loving and kind than when she began her journey in grieving.

After the flower show, we visited a dear friend who is engaged in a battle against cancer that gave little until Rachel could not get out of bed one morning.  She has already endured the fusing of her spine; radiation is to follow, and more surgery is expected.

 The road ahead appears to be full of obstacles, yet she is hopeful and gladdened by her family uniting together to uphold her and each other. In this season she is blooming and showing her true colors.  Her love is a beautiful fragrance.

Someday we all come to the inevitable truth of the end of our days here on earth.  Not unlike the flowers our appearance is for a brief time. We will face rocky soil, inclement weather, choking weeds, and dry spells.  Our response to life will determine how our flowering will affect those around us.  It’s been said before – “Bloom where you are planted.” This season will pass. 

What Did You Say Your Name Was?

            When we were having children we dutifully read any baby name book that we found, and at their birth we called them by names that we felt were lovely and had meaning.  I think this is how most children receive their title.

 Yet when certain physical traits and personality attributes become dominant, the child is honored with a nickname.  I share some of these without interpretation: Red, Towhead, Motor Mouth, Peanut, Buckethead, Fatty Patty, Rusty, Slack Hands, Pudge, Leggs, Pumpkin, Belly and Beanpole.

            Our youngest Elisabeth was first called Ba-beetle-bit because her older sister couldn’t pronounce Elisabeth.  Over time it became Beetle, then Beet which only I call her occasionally.  Elisabeth’s youngest Trinity was an especially difficult baby and on some trying days Elisabeth would offer Trinity for sale to the other siblings calling, “Who wants a baby? She’s going cheap, anybody got a penny?””

Amid a chorus of “I do, I do”, Tr­­inity would then be hugged and loved on by the other three­ and today she is called Penny.

Once a child enters school any unusual surname may get morphed.  Ruark to Ruarkski, a wee expression of Polish humor: Monahan to Mamahan, the mothering instinct on high alert: Puopolo to Poopsie or Little Poop, a natural handling of this unique last name;  Monk to Monkey, who would capitalize on the term, screeching and chattering, scratching and scampering, and once eating 12 bananas in one sitting.  Her credo was “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.  She also loved the attention.

Neighbors and employers also hand out labels.  One young man’s first job was as a field hand.  He was thin and sorely lacking in muscle.  As time passed he gained muscle and mass and could move 350 pounds at a time.  His boss promptly called him Hercules.

An impressively bulked up teen was an ace catcher that mastered guarding home plate, and could throw out anyone running to second base.  Needless to say, he was Tank.

Then there was Steven.  He was the oldest boy and had 10 siblings.  As the oldest his father held him to a high measure which Steven struggled to attain and often fell short of. He was known at home and in town simply as Damnit Steven the name his father regularly called him.

My husband Russell received a nickname when he was in his mid 30’s.  We lived across from a General Store and would regularly stop by to pick up items that we needed.  John, the owner, was jovial and loved to greet his customers by name and he knew everybody.  It gave a homely feeling to the place.

He really liked Russ and every time Russ entered, John would boom, “Hi Bob!” The first time I heard it I looked to see who had followed us in. No one. John was making eye contact with Russ, and Russ was nodding and smiling right back.

When we got home I was puzzled about the ‘Bob’ thing.  Russ looked sheepish and said, “I don’t know, but he’s been calling me that for weeks.  I know that I’ve told him my name is Russ on more than one occasion, but ‘Bob’ seems to be stuck in his mind.”

So it continued.  One Saturday Russ said, “This is embarrassing.  Everyone else in town knows that I’m Russ. Today when I get some hardware I’ll tell him.”

Russ came home about a half hour later with an interesting fact he learned from John.  John’s real name was Evan.  The former owner was called John and when Evan took over the store the town folk just continued to call him John.

“He must have laughed about having your name wrong after that.  What did he say when you told him?”

Silence.

“You did tell him, right?”

“You know, Bob’s not such a bad name after all. And he has called me it for a long time.”

“You chickened out?”

“I chickened out.”

“Way to go, Bob.”

         

Relationships Take Work

We all live in relationship with someone or probably a lot of someones. And if you want a good relationship, it is going to take work.
Communication will entail eye contact, hand gestures, body posturing, and the like.  And the closer you are, the more time you will need to invest.
If you desire to have a strong marriage in your golden years, you will have to spend a lot of time when you are younger listening, sharing, understanding, caring, often coming to a compromise that you both can live with. 
A lot of time will need to be invested, but the end result will be so worth it.
Security, contentment, gratitude, peacefulness, and love are ust a few of the benefits.
It's a bit of a dance with each partner taking turns leading.  Give 100% always and on those days that you are unable, the other person will carry you as you will them on their bad days.
Life is comprised of a lot of long days and short years.  Make the most of all of them.

Spring is very far away

When I peruse my fb page, I often come across a countdown of days until spring or posts that deal with a hatred of winter.
There are just too many days left.  Why open the door to depression?
Why not instead embrace the things that there are to love about winter: warm toasty blankets, hot chocolate, crisp walks in freshly fallen snow, sledding, puzzles, books, movies, fresh baked cookies and pies, ice skating, snowshoeing, company in for a night of games, crock pot dinners, freshly baked bread.  
The four seasons need to be embraced and enjoyed.  They're not going anywhere.
The January thaw will come and give a respite, then February will bury us in snow, and March will play between winter and spring.
Oh, but when it comes!!!! What joy! I think you experience it just a bit more after the winter.

The Most Important Things in Life

We are in trouble in our home, in our state, in our country, in our world.

People are warring against people based on belief, race, gender, politics, lifestyle, or choices.  And so, I repeat, we are in trouble.

A new year is here and individuals are making resolutions to lose weight, exercise, quit smoking, consume less alcohol, clean closets, pay off debt, or the like.

 What if we decided to be kind?

 In essence we would cease from viewing others as the enemy, but would instead view them as a fellow traveler worthy of respect simply because they exist, have worth, and share the world with us.

For well over a decade I have worked with individuals in crisis.  I have listened to stories of incredible heartbreak and loss, witnessed the effect of broken homes and absentee parenting, and seen patterns repeated by early imprinting.

 Broken people with broken relationships need to know that life can be different, that families can love each other, and that manipulation does not need to be the avenue chosen to survive.

If we want to see the world a different place, we have to start one person at a time and the first place to start is with ourselves.  Until I treat each person that I meet with kindness and respect, until I listen to the story of others, until I see a unique individual before me, until I change me, we will go on as we are – a world in serious trouble.

I have heard or read many thoughts from people nearing the end of their lives.  No one talks of wishing they had made more money or worked longer hours.  Any remorse seems to be over broken relationships; any joy is in the family and friends that remain.

While it is still today, let’s work at building bridges to the people that we encounter in this life. There are some simple ways to begin as we face the year 2015.

 Stop texting as your primary way of communication.  Communication involves voice inflection and facial expression which is not possible when dueling thumbs are the only body parts involved in the dialogue.  A phone call is better; speaking face to face is the best.

There are young couples and single mothers desperate for someone to come alongside them and model good parenting skills.  Many of them come from fractured homes, are fatherless, or products of multiple foster homes.  How can you become what you have never witnessed?

  Be that example.  Even with all of your own shortcomings and failures, you can teach them to learn from their mistakes and bring them hope and compassion.

People are alone in the midst of a crowd, at the workplace, in front of their computers, in checkout lines, while raising their families.  Do you know of an elderly person that is no longer able to leave her home? How about someone ill and enduring long hours of treatment at a hospital? A single mother harried with work, young children, and lack of sleep? Maybe you are the person needed to break that loneliness.

Perhaps you are the person that is alone.  Volunteers are welcomed at hospitals, senior centers, adult daycares, hospice, pregnancy centers, food shelves, schools.  You are needed somewhere; find your niche and fill that need.

The rapper Eminen states, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall fat, skinny, rich, or poor.  If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you.  Simple as that.”

That’s a good quote, but I say it doesn’t go far enough not if we want to change the world.  I would add another phrase: “And I’ll be nice to you even if you’re not nice to me.”  It’s really as hard as that. 

But the old proverbs say ‘a soft answer turns aside wrath’ and ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’.

 One person at a time, beginning with ourselves, we can change the world since the most important things in life are others.